Jeremy Asks Why Amelie Has A Tanning Bed
by a mountain of gideon's scones
Summary: Set after the first crack fic but before the second. Chaz and Vicky come on the show to discuss why they think their mother is going crazy... and just who is calling Sam a paedophile? Find out in this fic! R&R!


_For Chaz (TheFoundersDaughter) and for me, with our strange little family set up!_

_I don't own anything… besides myself… obviously… as if someone else owned me, that would be slavery._

_Also… __**me and Chaz were right! **__Lol… Oliver __**is**__ based off of Oliver Cromwell, so HAH to anyone who said we were wrong!_

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*this fic is set after my first fic 'Jeremy sorts the family out' but before 'Jeremy confirms who the parent is' incase y'all were wondering*

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Jeremy shakes his head as he stands on the stage he has come to adore in the past six years since he started the show (and it's seen a _l-o-t _of action in this time) and faces the audience. He is back in Morganville _again_; if the Jeremy Kyle show ever failed in England, he knows he could make enough money doing shows here for a month to sort out the _beginnings_ of this one family's problems to live on for the rest of his life. They're seriously that complex.

"Hello, ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the Jeremy Kyle show," he announces as he goes around shaking random people's hands in the audience. Well, they're not random: he deliberately requested to know which seats would be occupied by humans so he could shake their hands rather than having to touch a vampire. After all, there was a difference between being paid to help, let's say, Amelie. "Today, we have the return of a family who, last time, were on the show to clarify relations. Now, this time, Chaz and Vicky are back to address a serious issue their vampire mother, Amelie, has. Ladies and gentlemen, Chaz and Vicky!" he calls and the audience dutifully claps.

Part of his mind contemplates whether or not he ought to _pay_ the audience to come up with a better way to react than just to gasp. Perhaps, before the show, they could all go to the pub together and have a little meeting of the 'next audience of Jeremy Kyle' to consider how they could be _different_ and react more unusually than usual. After all, last time they were a really _boring_ audience; he wants them to spice it up a bit. Perhaps for the next trip to town: as with this family, he knows he shall be making a return trip… it would probably be wiser to _stay_!

Chaz and Vicky emerge on stage, siblings united in anger and fear for their mother. They've always gotten on well, even when Chaz (the youngest) split up Vicky's parents (one of whom Chaz shared – the mother, thank _god_) to then date her father and be her new step mum. It is a bit icky but they get by: the only slight calamity they had was when they had finished with the _last_ show and Vicky heard both Chaz and Sam _and_ Amelie and Oliver doing something that she _really_ wished she had never heard. Oh and then when Sam had bought Vicky her first car (as any self respecting father ought to) and it was more expensive than the present he had bought his girlfriend. But that was only Chaz being greedy: at heart, she knew that Vicky deserved more things since she was Sam's _daughter_.

They sit down in the plush seats that are exact replicas of the ones that the British Royal Family have in their Windsor Castle (people around Morganville seem to have a _thing_ for the English way of life) because the black leather ones were deemed 'inappropriate' incase they sparked a resurge of the issue that these two have with their mother.

Jeremy moves to sit down in front of the two girls, both of whom are immaculately dressed (part of having limitless funds for wardrobe choices) and look _utterly_ different to the usual clientele of his show, before initiating chat. "So, girls, like last time, you are here regarding your mother," he states, something which causes the girls to exchange a glance.

"Um… last time was more about finding out family relations and solidifying the ones we have," Chaz says, trying to sound posh and clever but it doesn't really work.

"Whereas, this time, we are more focused upon saving our mother from herself," Vicky continues, knowing it is a good idea for Chaz to stop talking. She would probably end up mentioning how their mother had come (whilst very, _very_ drunk) to them both and sat them down for _four hours straight_ to discuss the human body and how _intimate_ relations are natural cycles of life. Which is something that should _not_ be revealed to the Jeremy Kyle audience… ever!

"So, Vicky, explain to me what the problem is," Jeremy requests with a small smile. The audience listen in attentively, the humans at the back straining their ears to hear the explanation so that they can hopefully spread the gossip around the rest of Morganville.

"Well, you see, it all started the other week, when Mum told us there was a room that we weren't allowed in," Vicky begins, Chaz nodding seriously alongside her. "Of course, this sparked interest in me so, when I _thought_ she was out, I got Myrnin to burst down the door before making him leave: I didn't want Mr Gossip knowing the secret," she says, making reference to the time when she told Myrnin she may be pregnant and it got all around Morganville within three seconds. Literally.

"So, it was you and Chaz who went in?" Jeremy confirms and Vicky nods. Chaz is about to speak but Vicky cuts in across her, knowing she would probably be verbally abusive in regards to their mother's activities.

"Yes, we went in. and we were greeted with the most _disturbing_ thing I have ever seen," Vicky shudders and braces herself for a moment before answering. "In there was our mother in a _tanning bed_, trying to get brown. All she was doing was burning since, you know, she is a _vampire_," she sounds horrified as she relays what her mother was doing in that room. She also confirms the fact that her mother is Amelie, Founder Amelie, and is a vampire because after the last show, she seems pretty damn human.

The audience react _exactly_ the same way as they do normally: a gasp. This, of course, causes Jeremy to _want_ to go and throttle the majority of them before deciding that before his next show here, he is going to _insist_ that they all (the audience) get together to have a little discussion on how they are going to conduct themselves on the show.

"Is there anything else?" Jeremy presses, causing Vicky to smile. She then let out a sound that could both be hysterical tears or laughter – and both are plausible here. Chaz, meanwhile, simply sits there, knowing if she spoke she would go on about how much of a chav her mother is… and that isn't a good idea right now.

"Well, we managed to get her out of the tanning bed and she was wearing the most _ridiculously_ skimpy bikini I have ever seen: I don't even think a _porn_ star would wear it," Vicky continues, now anger her main emotion on show. "We then learnt, when she decided to start playing with _a silver ball_, that she was suicidal… and that that room was her little torture room."

**:O**

Jeremy can't fault the audience for their response here because how _do_ you respond to such a medieval thing as having a torture room? True, he has a 'cheating room' (hypocritical talk show host here) from the past but that is different.

Chaz bursts out laughing at the absurdity of it all; causing Jeremy to ask her just what is so funny. "Well, it's more the way that Vicky has explained it: saying that a porn star wouldn't wear the bikini was kind. I think that the fact that it was metallic gold, latex and covered absolutely nothing suggests that she is _slightly_ crazier than any of us thought," she says, causing Vicky to glare at her whilst the audience laugh.

"I _told_ you not to mention that," Vicky hisses at her so that the audience can't hear, causing Chaz to shrug and continue laughing.

Jeremy smiles, knowing that it is _almost_ time to be seeing Amelie again (he'd be lying if he didn't admit he fancies her a _bit_) before continuing, "So, is there anything else girls that you want to highlight between the time you saw your mother tanning in a bed and today?"

Vicky nods and looks up. "We booked her into therapy with Myrnin running it, which was perhaps not the _best_ idea but he told us he had a degree in therapy," she explains, showing her obvious love for Myrnin because if she would believe he had a degree in therapy, then she would believe that he is a fluffy teddy bear who would never hurt anyone. "Unfortunately, that sort of failed and though she didn't use the room for a good while, we found her in there last week. That was when I decided to call you, Jeremy, because I knew that at least you can sort her out a little."

Jeremy nods and motions to the person by the stage to show them that they are ready for Amelie. "And here she is, ladies and gentlemen, the vampire who wants a tan!" he announces and the audience all laugh as the vampire walks in.

She is wearing clothing that Kate Middleton wore to Ladies Day at Ascot the other week and looks as if she had tried to dye her hair but failed. The slight red tinge to her skin causes the other vampires to wince in pain, knowing that if the oldest vampire in the world had a skin colour like that, she must have been under intense UV rays for one _heck_ of a long time.

She sits down on a chair she pulls slightly away from both her daughters, not wanting to be associated with either of them for some reason. "Jeremy, I do not wish to be associated with either of my children on this stage, as I am sure you can understand why," she snaps in the direction of the talk show host and her children.

"Actually, I don't," he plays devil's advocate, with a smile, wondering what her response will be. "Do elaborate, Amelie," he continues, his normally serious expression unable to be kept on his face for any period of longevity.

She narrows her eyes at him but tosses her hair over her shoulder in a strange manner, utterly trying to be some celebrity off of the television.

"They are making me out to be this suicidal psychotic idiot who only cares about her appearance when, in fact, I am doing it for them so that they don't have a mother this colour," she snaps, but they don't buy it.

Jeremy raises an eyebrow and consults the card in front of him, "That's strange because they told my researchers… not that I need researchers; I need people who live here all the damned time… anyway, they told my researchers that they thought you were depressed and that you wanted to try and imitate the popular culture of today by dressing so provocatively," he says and she looks at her daughters. They level her off with evil glares, Chaz so evil that she _could_ actually be Oliver's daughter whilst Vicky's simply shows that she is Sam's daughter and never able to truly hate anyone.

"Is that so?" Amelie muses and they both nod.

"We think you're trying to be one of those celebs who are in the newspapers all the time for their clothing, sexual antics and then for the suicide," Chaz butts in, once again, and mentions something she ought to not have done.

Jeremy raises the _other_ eyebrow as well, causing his face to stretch dramatically. "Sexual antics? What on _earth_ do you mean by that?" he questions the children of the woman who is now the colour of a beetroot and would have been anyway even if she didn't have the sunburn look she is currently rocking.

"You'd better explain, Chaz, since you were the one to mention it," Vicky groans, wishing that this wasn't coming up. She is such a _conscientious _child, one who doesn't want to cause harm to others… Chaz, on the other hand…

"Well, yano how she moved on with the _disgusting_ leech called Ollypop?" Chaz states the obvious but the entire audience knows, having followed this story more than people followed the royal wedding. "Well, she had a crisis the other week and decided to record them together and then it got released on the internet… then she got drunk and taught us about sex… then she tried to snog Sam… then she tried to snog Myrnin… then she told Michael that they were the perfect lovers for one another and stripped off down to her underwear in front of all of them…oh and this underwear was almost as skimpy as the bikini," she relays off all the antics of Amelie in the past few weeks, causing the audience to both laugh and gasp in shock.

Jeremy simply looks stunned whilst Amelie has sunk down in her chair so far that nobody could call her a lady anymore; they could only call her a midget. "Is this true?" he confirms with Chaz's mother who struggles to sit up slightly.

"In my defence, I was absolutely _plastered_, I believe the term is, and also high on some of dear Charlotte's crack," she hisses the last part in the direction of the daughter who blabbed about all of the goings on in her personal life. "I would also like to add that dear Charlotte shall be _grounded_ from this moment, until the moment she is old enough to move out of my house: and in my town, I have decided that she is _never_ allowed to leave!" she snaps, causing the audience to '**oooohhh**' at this, whilst Chaz simply stares mutinously at her mother.

"You can't do that!" she cries but Amelie shakes her head, smiling for the first time.

"Oh, my dear, I can… and I can stop you seeing dear Samuel as well, for you are a child and I have the overall say as to whether or not you spend time with a paedophile," she continues, causing the audience to gasp.

"My dad… my dad is _not_ a paedo, you idiot mother!" Vicky snaps at her mother, ashamed that, just because he a) left her and b) rejected her as a drunk, her mother would insinuate this about her father.

"Sam is _not_ a paedo, just because he realised I was better than you because I can _tan_ doesn't mean that you can accuse him of that!" Chaz cries out.

Everyone expects Sam to come barrelling onto the stage to defend his honour but he can't; Gérard suspected that there would be a fight so he locked Sam in the back room so that he can't beat up Amelie who is a little weak since she tried to kill herself so many times.

Jeremy decides to nip this in the bud. "Amelie, just because he left you, he is not a paedophile. If, in the future, you find proof, you can ring the show back and book this in for a show but, for now, we're addressing your suicidal side, ok?" he snaps at her and she nods, stunned by his violent outburst.

"Ok, but I am _not_ trying to kill myself; I am trying to tan because I wish to appear like the celebrities," she confesses. "The silver ball was to weaken myself so that, hopefully, when I was in the tanning bed it would mean that I would tan better but it hasn't worked yet… it has, however, meant that I have managed to advance to this stage of colour," she continues, explaining the sort of 'torture' room she has in the house.

Vicky and Chaz stare at her, aghast that she could do such a thing to herself to try and _tan_. "But, Mum, you're a vampire and have been for over a millennia; surely you don't _mind_ being that colour?" Vicky asks her gently, forgetting for a minute that she accused Sam of being a paedophile.

"I don't _like_ being this colour, no, because it reminds me I am not human," she says, her lower lip trembling slightly before she regains control of herself…

… just as three male vampires bust out on the stage: Sam, Myrnin and Oliver.

"Oliver is the one who told her she needs to tan!" Myrnin announces loudly, interrupting Jeremy's show _entirely_ and _utterly_ taking over for no apparent reason.

"Did not!" Oliver retorts sharply, turning to face at Sam. "It's because of _this_ one that everything happened…_and_ he is a paedophile!"

Sam looks shocked and horrified at this before facing Oliver off squarely, ignoring the sounds of the audience yelling '**FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT**' to simply stare him down. "Loser, you're the one who _couldn't even get it up_!" he makes reference to the failed sex tape that was aired around the internet, causing the audience to gasp in shock.

In the second's lull between the reams of the fight, Jeremy stands up and moves between the sparring vampires, taking a great risk with his life. "Everyone _shut up_! I am _Jeremy Kyle_; you cannot overtake my talk show _and try and fight_!" he screams, sounding like a little girl but not caring about it because, well, it's his show he is defending.

Everyone shuts up, not contesting this whatsoever. "Good, silence… now, Sam, go and sit on the far side of the stage since Amelie has exerted her parentage rights to stop you seeing Chaz; Myrnin, sit with Amelie so that she isn't crazy and Oliver… sit wherever the hell you please since nobody likes you," Jeremy orders, making reference to all the names everyone called him in the last visit to town…

Everyone does as they are told, albeit slightly grumpily. Oliver chooses to sit on the opposite side of the stage to Sam and stay away from them all, even angry at Amelie for some unknown reason… probably because she doesn't want a baby with him at the minute. "Well, if Amelie is exerting her parentage rights over Chaz, then I want to ensure that Vicky can't see Myrnin anymore," Sam is childish enough to say, causing an uproar with his daughter.

"Do that, Dad and I will never see you again, I swear!" Vicky exclaims, moving across the stage to stand beside Myrnin who then pulls her onto his lap. Although she rolls her eyes at the PDA, Amelie nods in agreement with this, stroking her daughter's hair. "Mother, I am still_ extremely_ pissed off with you, about the entire celeb thing as well as calling Daddy a paedo, so don't touch me either!" she snaps at Amelie.

"Fine, I will call _you_ grounded as well and forbid you to see Myrnin," she responds in the same tone, a 'I have you where I want you' sort of glint in her eye.

"If you do that, then I go back to Dad because at least I have a chance of bending his will," Vicky retorts, playing her parents up against one another with the evidence of obviously well practised use.

Amelie narrows her eyes but lets go of her hair, knowing that she is right.

"Vicky, what do you think we should do with your mother?" Jeremy asks Vicky, knowing he can't ask Chaz because she is _mega_ pissed with Amelie. He can't ask Oliver because he is still refusing to talk after what Sam said. He can't ask Sam because he hates Amelie at the minute… and why would _anyone_ ask Myrnin for advice when he pretended he had a degree in therapy?

She hesitates before responding. "I would say lock her in a silver cage till she behaves but I don't think that that would work in this situation," she begins, before thinking once again. "Book her in with Graham and the aftercare team for _extensive_ therapy and then let me review it… oh and loan me a sledgehammer to smash her little room apart!"

Everyone cheers and nods at this decision, smiles on their faces.

"Oliver and Myrnin, you two that way, Sam, you that way," Jeremy begins with dealing with the extra parts to this therapy session, the ones that weren't supposed to be there. "Amelie, you can go that way and Gérard make sure she goes to graham, whilst Chaz and Vicky can go that way… oh wait, Chaz you can go after your mother since you can't see Sam," he continues, causing everyone to roll their eyes at the absurdity of Amelie.

He turns to face the audience who are smiling at the events which unfolded. "Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, for watching. I have a feeling, with this lot, that we shall be back again shortly, even if it is just to confirm whether or not Sam _is_ a paedophile or not… thank you for watching and have a great day!" he says, faux cheery by the end.

He disappears into his changing room on _entirely_ the other side to Amelie's and all the others, wondering why he does this job.

The sounds of a child screaming at its mother hits him then and he regrets, he _really_ regrets, Morganville's decision not to insulate their walls better.

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_Whatcha think?_

_Review please!_

_Doing another one tonight, maybe!_

_Vicky xx_


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